Percy Pals

Growing up comes with changes. They range from the obvious that happen during puberty, to the minute like how you stand when you wait in line for your coffee. All these different physical features, philosophies, mannerisms, likes, dislikes, and so much more make up who we are. For the most part, we’re aware of every one of these things, but friends, family, and strangers are only exposed to a select few (some more than others). It’s based on these interactions that people create an image of who you are and they differ from person to person. Very rarely do these perceptions match how you view yourself and that kinda terrifies me. I’ve had hundreds of interactions with people throughout my life and each person thinks about me differently. Kids I knew in high school only know high school Zach (and only at a surface level, at best) and he’s far different than who I am now, let alone freshman year of college. I don’t know if it’s just the controlling portion of my brain that is insanely bothered by this, but the idea that people I used to know walk around with this dated and distorted view of who I am makes me gag. There’s people out there who probably think I’m still like I was in high school—I don’t blame them, but that’s so scary.

I don’t want to be seen the way I think people see me. Because I know that’s not who I am. However, I can’t say I truly know what comes to mind when they think of me. But that only drives me more insane. When people think of me, what do they see? Do I even want to know?

We all have an overarching “identity” for the most part. Some of us are happy with the label we’re given. Others, like me, are not. I won’t pretend to know what people think about me, but I guarantee it’s not how I want it.

As a kid, I didn’t really have hobbies, though that’s not to say I didn’t do a lot. I played outside all the time, liked video games and watched a lot of TV (which are “hobbies” in a way, but they’re not exactly the ones you mention during an ice-breaker), but I didn’t have any unique quality that I saw a lot of people have. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. I did have one thing: I played baseball. It’s not the most glamorous or unique thing (not by a long shot), but it was still something I did for a lot of my childhood. And because of this, that was pretty much the first thing people associated me with when they thought about “Zach”. The amount of times I’d get baseball-related cards or gifts for my birthday is too many to count. Any time I saw someone (usually an adult) for the first time in a while, they’d ask how baseball was going. It was like that’s all there was to me—and maybe they were right.

I did love baseball (I still do, but in a different way) and enjoyed 90% of the baseball paraphernalia I got (I asked for a lot of it, so can I really complain?), but after a while it got tiring. Did I do anything about it? No, not really. I still love sports to this day (probably more than ever, if I’m being honest), but being known as a “sports guy” (eugh, got the shivers), makes me feel weird and like a masculine jock when (lol) I am far from it. Sure, I enjoy sports and exercising, but I’m no meathead who drinks protein shakes for every meal, calls in to local radio stations to bitch about their local teams, and bases his entire personality around sports. There’s more to me than that, but I constantly felt insecure that that’s what people only ever saw me for (and I wasn’t even that good at baseball, either, so that made it even worse).

Perhaps it’s because sports are traditionally seen as a very masculine hobby (stupid) that it bothers me. Regardless, I don’t want to be associated with that crowd for a multitude of reasons or have it appear that all I care about is sports (far from the truth) and am that intense, aggressive, die-hard fanatic who obsesses over something that is entirely out of their control in the long run.

I really hate masculinity. That’s been the major change in my attitude as of late, which I feel is important to note when talking about how I’d like to be perceived. By no means am I saying I used to be a rugged, tough guy (lol), but I used to feel like that’s what a real man is and since I was nowhere near being that then that’s what I should be striving for. I didn’t do too well in that pursuit, ultimately becoming your typical teen boy fit for the background of a sitcom—you know, the one that wore the same jeans and four sweatshirts everyday. I did so much in an attempt to cover up my emotional sensitivity because I didn’t think that’s what a man would do and I needed to be a man to fit in, but I also didn’t have the confidence to be braggadocious and my anxiety made me want to not draw any attention to myself, so I ended up just showing no emotion whatsoever and letting it spill out at home through tears or yelling at myself or video games or something else stupid. I listened to music that all the guys were listening to (rap) and paid attention to whatever stupid stuff high school boys were into or found funny at the time, regardless of whether I actually liked it or not (spoiler: I didn’t for the most part). It’s really a miracle I didn’t end up becoming a stubborn conservative with enough empathy to paint the top of a sewing needle based on some of the people I associated with in high school.

Now (as in the past year), I’ve let myself feel the way I feel and gravitate towards the things I actually like and want to take an interest in. For starters, I don’t concern myself with sex and relationships nearly as much as I did in school (I don’t at all). I felt pressured into doing that despite a glaring lack of interest on my part. Sure, I enjoy a good crush here and there, but with the way people put so much emphasis on being in a relationship and having sex (ugh, I wanna stop talking about this already, I’m so sorry to whoever is reading this) is intimidating. I constantly felt like I needed to be on the hunt for an SO when I really didn’t want that. The whole idea of “intimacy” (that’s how I’m gonna put it, but you know what I’m talking about) really does nothing for me and is sort of awkward and repulsing. Look at me, I can hardly talk about it without dodging the proper terminology. It does feel so relieving to not have to pretend to be invested in the “locker room talk” and all that other stuff. Not only does it turn misogynistic pretty quickly, but it also just seems pointless. I don’t know, I’m probably the wrong person to talk about the appeal of stuff like that. Go find someone with a sex drive if you want to hear about why those topics are fun, I guess (so pretty much any other person lol).

On a lighter note, some new changes to my self are that I love fashion and clothes and putting outfits together (despite my constrained, but growing budget), I’m not shy to say I like to write, I hardly listen to rap unless it appears in a K-Pop song (pop and indie is really all I touch), and the shows I watch deal much more with real life and all its ups, downs, and complicated emotions instead of stuff that relies on a dick joke to get a laugh. In my opinion, there is such a disconnect between past versions and the current version of me and the thought that people still think any past version of me is my true self makes me absolutely nauseous.

The only other thing I did in high school (whoops! guess we’re going back to this topic) to try to grow was get deep into music and even that was only at a listening level; I didn’t have the attention span to learn an instrument, despite my best efforts. There was a period of time when I was known as the kid who could name practically any song in existence (I couldn’t. I only knew rap tbh), which was fine I guess, but I still felt like I had no personality that people saw in me. And maybe that’s because I didn’t have one. Thinking back to my old self, I hardly see any defining characteristics; I was merely going through the motions, doing what was expected of me (all while managing social anxiety and a secretly short temper). There were hardly any times I tried branching out and tried a new activity or allowed myself to discover things that I might end up loving. Basically, my teens—a time where “finding yourself” is the classic trope—was spent just existing.

I try not to regret things, but high school comes really close. Practically all the self-discovery that is supposed to happen during that time was delayed to the second half of college and today. I have a full-time job and I still feel like a kid who has hardly even begun to become an adult. I just started figuring out that I don’t have to settle for status quo interests and thought patterns in the last few years—something I should’ve realized long before. Maybe then I would’ve felt more comfortable as myself throughout childhood. Maybe then I wouldn’t repress most of the memories except specific highlights.

I have good memories from childhood, but not when it comes to specifically the type of person I was. Again, I feel like all I ever was was a kid who played baseball to most people—and maybe that’s my fault, but it doesn’t shake the fact that I could’ve been different. But hindsight is 20-20, though it doesn’t stop the idea that people may still think of me as the bland baseball boy from making me uncomfy.

This got a bit out of hand. I’m not here to rant about my childhood (I’ll save that for a therapist if I’m ever able to go back). My main point is that I’m an entirely different person than I was even last year. I feel like I changed a lot (or maybe I’m full of myself). Hell, half of my favorite artists that I couldn’t imagine living without I didn’t even know existed until recently (and yes, they’re mostly K-Pop). It’s been a big year and a half for me and I feel like the me in people’s mind is far outdated. I could list out everything that’s different about me, but we’d be here forever and some things I’m not comfortable saying to all of you just yet (or at least in a setting like this), but I really do want to share more of myself because I think one of the most beautiful things about life is being able to truly know another’s soul.

Even if it takes my whole life and I have to repeat myself to every person I meet, I want to be honest and share who I am and I think everyone should do the same. I don’t mean share every little detail and secret, just be yourself more. Don’t settle for anything less than you!

Early on, I may have implied that I dread the idea of being perceived (it’s not entirely inaccurate) and that might make you wonder why I’m writing about it and putting this piece on the Internet for people to read if that’s the case. My reasoning is that I don’t hate being perceived for the most part. I only really dislike it when I think about the idea of people judging me incorrectly (so I guess I do often dread it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯), so my thought process is that if I’m more open about who I am, then I won’t be as afraid of people and their opinions. Maybe I can finally reach the level of confidence that I want. I think using my writing as an outlet to properly express myself is something I’m going to be doing more. I used to hide behind meaningless stories that I didn’t connect with, but now I’ve found that sprinkling a bit of me in everything I write is a nice way to let myself out, give people a chance to get to know who I am, and hopefully bring happiness or comfort along the way.

P.S. sorry for ranting, I thought about deleting half this post the entire time. I think I came across too pretentious and I sincerely apologize.